I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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