her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
