woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
as a side note pls kill me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
