a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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