I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
