: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
