I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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