apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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