Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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