Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
