so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
