How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
this is an emotional support booty call
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
