I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
