And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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