and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
And then he peed in my hair
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