Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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