Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
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If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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