i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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