it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
