first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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