her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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