...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
