i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was confusing and full of hummus
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
