I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
