Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
