My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
ok first of all what the fuck
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
