he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
