1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
