he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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