i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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