I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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