I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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