That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
