Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
