I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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