when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
being pregnant is like rehab
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
