So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
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I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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