she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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