Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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