im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
