You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I lost the right to judge tonight
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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