The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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