i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
