Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
