Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
