she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
