I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
