Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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