I faked an abortion last night.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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