So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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