ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
