Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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