her vagine was all disorganized.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
