I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
