So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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