i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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