Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
