Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
The maid of honor just puked.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
